


Go ahead, rip my heart out (that's what love's all about).

by lumoon33



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Established Relationship, Friends With Benefits, M/M, or something in between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 23:17:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1796959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumoon33/pseuds/lumoon33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke always thought that love was pretty easy, but Ashton teaches him that it's pretty complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go ahead, rip my heart out (that's what love's all about).

**Author's Note:**

> Let's say that If You Don't Know inspires me a lot.
> 
> English isn't my first language, sorry for the mistakes.  
> Hope you like it x

Luke always thought that love was pretty easy: you would want to be with someone and, if you were lucky enough, that person would want you back and you two would be happy forever.

But he finds out that it's not that easy. At least not when it comes to Ashton.

They're lying in bed together, Ashton's face hidden in the crook of Luke's neck, one of his legs between Luke's and Luke's arms around Ashton's smaller body.

It isn't the first time they are in this position, Luke doesn't really remember how many times he has ended up entangled in bed with Ashton, but they have spent enough nights this way for Ashton's hot and soft breath to feel familiar against Luke's sensitive neck. Ashton's hand grabbing Luke's t-shirt tightly, as if he's afraid of Luke leaving him alone, is also familiar, as well as Ashton's foot rubbing sometimes agaist Luke's longer leg, or Ashton's heart pounding hard, hard enough for Luke to feel it against his own ribs.

This position is familiar enough for Luke to know what to do to make Ashton feel good to actually moan without kissing him. He knows how he has to run his fingers through Ashton's hair as slow as he can, he knows how he has to slip his hand under Ashton's t-shirt (Luke's t-shirt actually, but Ashton always borrows it and it already smells like him) and rub his back for a while until Ashton sighs and that's the sign Luke needs to sink his nails a little into his skin as he arches his back to get closer. That's all it takes, Ashton lets out a little moan against Luke's neck, it makes Luke tremble and it makes Ashton sigh and rub Luke's leg with his foot one more time.

It seems pretty easy, to just lie there sharing space, spending time together between matching heartbeats, Luke thinks this is his favourite part of the day, having Ashton in his arms, all sleepy and tired. It makes a warm feeling run down Luke's body, from his throat to his toes, going through his lungs and his belly, thinking that Ashton trusts him enough to let him hold him in his most vulnerable moments.

Yeah, it seems easy, but Luke needs to watch every move he makes, every word he says, every beat his heart misses, to not make Ashton explode. Cause he knows it will come at some point: Ashton will push him away, he will scream and Luke will leave to his own room. And, right now, Luke is just trying to make this moment last as much as he can.

Luke removes his hand from under Ashton's t-shirt and places it in his jaw, making him look up, into his eyes. Luke leans in, he bumps their noses and rubs Ashton's with his, it makes Ashton's eyelids to close a little and it makes Ashton's tongue to leave his mouth and lick his dry lips, already tasting like Luke for his breath hitting them. Luke leans even closer until he touches Ashton's lips with his own, swallowing the small sigh Ashton lets out. 

Luke just presses their mouths together for a few seconds and then he pulls apart. He needs to part their lips because, with just that simple touch, the warm feeling he felt before has become a slow burning in his belly and behind his eyes.

But when Ashton moves his hand from where it was grabbing Luke's t-shirt to the back of his neck and pulls him closer again, Luke lets his lips respond to Ashton's kiss and he lets that feeling grow and set his insides on fire.

Ashton's lips have something strange that makes Luke feel like he's losing his mind, they make him feel his own heartbeats pounding in his throat, they make him slip his hand under Ashton's t-shirt again and try to pull him even closer, even though he doesn't know if that's possible. They make him keep kissing Ashton even though he knows that he should stop for breathing, and he doesn't stop kissing him until his lungs almost hurt, screaming for air, because those moments with Ashton are almost as important for Luke as breathing. In this moment Ashton's lips are more important for Luke than breathing.

And when Luke breaks the kiss for breathing, he guides his mouth to Ashton's neck, because all of Ashton is addictive, not just his lips, it's his taste what calls for Luke's lips. And Luke isn't able to deny his lips the taste of every bit of Ashton's skin they are able to reach, because he knows that this moment is close to an end and he needs to live every minute of it.

This moment is close to an end because Ashton's hand is pulling at Luke's hair and low moans are leaving his mouth and Luke feels like it is almost imposible to hold those three words he has been dying to say since Ashton took him by the hand, dragged him to his room and snuggled beside him.

Luke knows that those three words that always mess everything up are in the back of his throat, fighting to be said, and he knows that he won't be able to hold them in too much longer, so he kiss Ashton on the lips one more time, deep and slow, tasting him.

When he pulls away, Luke strokes Ashton's nose with his again and Ashton looks at him and his eyes are shining behind his eyelashes and he makes a small needy noise, trying to get Luke's lips back over his, and Luke knows that this is it, it ends here, because there's a extrange pressure in his throat and his heartbeats are too loud in his own ears and he needs to say it.

"I love you" he whispers as quietly as he can, as if he doesn't want Ashton to hear it.

But Ashton hears it. Yeah, his hand falls from where it was grabbing Luke's hair and he tenses beside Luke, so he heard it.

Luke stays still, waiting for Ashton's foot to stroke his leg one more time, but it never comes, and Luke swallows hard, waiting for Ashton to explode.

"No," Ashton whispers into Luke's ear, his lips brushing against it, and it should feel good, but his voice sounds so cold it makes his lips feel just as cold "you don't".

Ashton's eyes are no longer half closed, they are open wide and the look in them is hard, impossible to read. Luke feels how he stops burning inside, going back to that warm feeling that always runs through his body when he's close to Ashton, and his heart slows down, just a bit, he can still feel it in his throat, but it goes slower, intimidated for Ashton's hard expression.

"Yes Ashton, I do" Luke whispers back, and he knows that he shouldn't press him, he knows he should brush it off one more time and get out of the room. But he can't, because he does love Ashton and he needs him to know it, even though hearing it will make the other boy angry and exasperated, he needs Ashton to know.

"No, you don't. Love is awful, you wouldn't do that to me" Ashton replies. He presses his hands against Luke's chest and pushes him, trying to get away. And Luke lets him, Luke lets him because if he didn't it would be worse and he doesn't want Ashton yelling at him as loud as he did yesterday.

So Luke gets up from the bed and stands there, looking at Ashton lying on his back now, with his still unreadable gaze fixed on Luke.

He doesn't know how to make Ashton understand that love isn't awful, because it really is, sometimes. In times like these, where the person you fell for is telling you that you can't love them, as if it would be the worst thing in the world, and Luke should be used to it, he can say that he almost is, but it doesn't make it less painful.

But there're times where love is wonderful. When they are lying in bed together just like a few minutes ago, and everything Luke can feel is Ashton, everything he can breath is Ashton, and his heart pounds crazy in his chest, and he tries to pull Ashton closer every three seconds, because it's never close enough, and he feels like burning inside.

He doesn't know how to make Ashton understand, but he tries anyways.

"It's not that bad" he says, still looking at him "if you give it a chance."

"A chance for what?" Ashton is almost screaming now, he sits in bed helping himself with his elbows and looks at Luke frowning "A chance for it to smash your heart?"

Yes, love can shatter your heart, Luke knows it better than he would like, but he wouldn't mind getting his heart broken if he can feel Ashton pressed up against him one more time.

"You're right, it fucking hurts" he says and it's him the one that's screaming now, but he doesn't care anymore, he needs Ashton to understand "It hurts a lot every time you rip my heart out when you tell me all that shit. Every time you scream at me telling me what I can feel and what I can not, it hurts as hell."

Ashton gets to his feet too now, standing a few centimetres away from Luke. He has to look up to meet Luke's eyes and he is wearing Luke's t-shirt, it's way too big for him and he looks adorable. But Luke this time can read his eyes a little, he sees anger, confusion and a little bit of hurt. It makes Luke's eyes burn and he needs to blink to not let the tears fall down his cheeks.

"But you know what?" Luke keeps talking, his voice breaking a little in the middle "It's worth it. All the pain, it's worth it. It's worth it because when I'm lying in that bed with you I feel fucking happy."

Luke points the bed with an arm and Ashton turns around to look at it, the sheets are a bit messed up and he knows that they're probably warm from them lying there before.

"I'm sorry" Ashton mumbles, looking back at Luke "but I'm not sure if that's worth it."

Luke knows this is his sign to get out of the room. He tried one more time and he failed once again. Ashton would never dare to love him back.

Luke turns around and walks toward the door and he has a hand on the doorknob when he feels Ashton's hand grabbing his arm.

He turns to face him and his heart is beating louder than ever in his ears when Ashton stands on his tiptoes to kiss him, pushing him against the door hard. Luke's shoulders hurt because Ashon is pressing them too hard, but he doesn't say anything about it, because he is burning again and Ashton's lips are claiming his mouth desperately, so he just curls his arms around Ashton's back and pulls him closer. He keeps kissing him even when his lungs start to hurt and he just stops when Ashton hits his chest hard with his fists.

"I hate you" Ashton mutters against Luke's lips, then he kisses him one more time just to pull away quickly, his hands grabbing Luke's t-shirt tightly, pressing him against the door as much as he can "I hate the way you make me feel" he is yelling again and Luke wants to reach for him and hug him to take that sad shadow away from his hazel eyes, but he doesn't do anything, because it's the first time Ashton stops him when he is leaving and he knows that he needs to take this out.

So Luke doesn't complain when Ashton hits his chest one more time, he just bites his lower lip and looks at him expectant.

"I hate it. I hate feeling this cofused, so confused it hurts. And, and you're just..." he stops, looks at the floor to take a long breath, as if Luke's eyes on him make it hard to breathe, and looks at Luke again, licking his lips before he starts talking again "You seem so sure. You're so sure about loving me and I'm just-"

Ashton cuts himself and his hands aren't pressing Luke against the door anymore, they're just resting in his shoulders, it seems like he needs to grab some part of Luke's body to not to fall down.

"Scared" Luke finishes the sentence for him, because he can read Ashton's eyes perfectly now, and they're filled with fear. He thinks that maybe is a bad thing, he thinks that it will make Ashton angry again, but that single word seems to take the force out of him. 

Ashton lets his head fall into Luke's shoulder, breathing heavily against the fabric of Luke's t-shirt and Luke dares to curl his arms around Ashton's small body one more time, pulling him closer, as close as he can, but is still not close enough.

"I don't want you to leave" Ashton whispers, the air that leaves his lips is hot against Luke's chest and it makes Luke's heart to skip a beat. Luke knows that those words are not an 'I love you' but they sounded like one, and it warms Luke's heart and ears and belly and suddenly it's harder to breath.

"I'm tired" Ashton whispers again, so Luke lifts him up. Ashton wraps his legs around Luke's waist and Luke holds him against his chest, curling his arms around Ashton's thighs.

Luke carries Ashton to bed, he lies him there, over the still messed up sheets, and he curls beside him when Ashton tugs at his t-shirt, asking him without words to stay with him tonight.

Their bodies intertwine and Luke falls asleep with the sound of Ashton's breathing on his ear.

Luke always thought that love was pretty easy, but Ashton teached him that love's not that, love hurts and it's complicated, but it's worth enough to make you keep fighting for it, even when you feel terrified about getting your heart broken.

Luke always thought that love was pretty easy, and the next morning, when he wakes up and sees Ashton snuggled beside him, he thinks that maybe it can be easy for them now.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to know what you think about this, thank you for reading <3


End file.
